POEM: Protected in a War

I'm not a big poem writer (i used to be tho), but a moment inspired me and i just wrote my thoughts down.

Watch my back while i'm going to a war
Stay with me while i'm taking control
Be my armor and let me rest
Help me let go of everything that's a mess.

Watch my back while i'm entering a war
Whisper to my ear that you'll never let go
Calm my anxiousness with your peace
Hold me till' i fall asleep

Watch my back while i'm in a war
Be my strength and protect me from the rest
Shout my name when you lose sight of me
Whisper it, when i'm in your dreams

The war is an everyday battle with life
Thoughts suffocate me and troubles burden my chest
I need you to be here to watch my back
So i can lay down and catch my breath

The poem was inspired by the moment. I'm just laying here and thinking ab. my life, my friends, subjects that have hold of my heart and matters that have my full attention and i just asked the question..How much longer will i have to watch my back?

I solute single mom's who have to manage in life, i honor wives who have escaped their abusive husbands and have kids, i thank God for every girl who has been able to escape from prostitution or everybody else who have had a life full of troubles, hard times and unfearness and they have fought their way through and you haven't let go! i know how incredibly hard it is to keep on pushing when you have to do million other things at the same time..and when there is noone protecting your back. And all that inspired me to write the poem. So it's for all the superwomen out there who have been fighting alone so far and now wanna be protected in a war!


With you, thinking of you, praying for you,
Ms. Han

By being good you become a bad person ?!

Have you ever felt that by you standing up for yourself you become the bad person?

God has been teaching me a lot about who i am, what i'm worth, what i deserve etc. It's always good to be reminded of that from the REAL and true source especially when there has never been anyone to teach you that in the first place - a lot can get messed up! So lately i've been watching extra carefully how people act with me. Not to judge or condemn them but to train myself on noticing which treatment is right and which is wrong..what i should accept and what i shouldn't.

The second thing i've had to learn is how to respond to bad treatment?! I'm a person who doesn't like to argue, fight etc. I like to discuss on different subjects and matters just cos i like to hear ppl's different opinions..but when it comes to fighting or being mean or angry or even worse - have revenge on someone - that i do not accept! So therefore i've somehow over the years let people treat me badly. From one side i don't - i confront them right away or just stand up for myself, from the other hand people that are close to me and who i care about, i rather let them hurt me than hurting them (when the situation takes the course). And that's one of the things i've had to change. It is not ok to be treated badly especially by the ones who are close and dear to you!

So lately this one situation happened where i stood up for myself and didn't say anything specific to the person but stood strong and kept my distance. To my surprise the person noticed right away something was wrong. At first they tried to get my attention back but then they distanced themselves aswell letting me know now I did something wrong.

I've been thinking and wondering for the past few days if i should talk to them, if i should apologize, if i should act as 'it's all good'..or should i continue standing strong and letting them know - it is NOT ok, i deserve better !?!
And of course i prayed about it and figured it out! - One thing is 1. to act mean and all bitchy, another thing is 2. to stand my ground and not let myself be treated badly. I understood i chose the 2nd option and it was right thing to do. If the person will keep on distancing themselves from me, it's their own loss and a thing to learn from in the future!

NOTE: Always remember what you deserve!
If you do not know what you deserve,.. well that's a place to start from and learn. go to the real source (God) and learn from Him (from His word - The Bible)

We are gathered here in rememberance of our greatly missed...

For the past few days the sun has been out! And i have to honestly say the past few days ive been SO happy and joyful..and ive had inspiration and motivation to write my thesis and do stuff..be productive..so this morning i woke up and it was all weird. i wasnt in a happy mood..and i didnt understan why. so after showering i rolled up my blind and guess what.. it was snorning (snowing+raining). there was no sign of sun..only the same old clouds. And that explained my 'down' mood. I woke up at 8.30 so i could study (write my thesis) the whole day..i havent done anything and its 2.15pm already. i feel stupid and like im wasking my time..what am i saying ..i AM wasting my time.

Ok i sound like a 6 year old who is whining..but i doubt anybody reads this anyway :D so it's fine..ill whine however much i want..(ok now i sound like a 5..or even 4 y.o.)

My friend just wrote:

At one point you say: "Wow, it's snowing! I love it, it's so beautiful!" And several months later when I say I like snow you hypocrates give me the look that could kill. Yes, you!

And i answered:

well..i like snow and i like winter and this winter has been SUPEr nice and SUPER LONG! but you see the thing is i can't stand another day without sunlight. It's depressing and there is no motivation to do anything + there is that wish to walk on the street without taking 2 steps backwards and 1 forward. i want to see green and i wanna hear birds sing and FLOWERS..it just makes me happy! i want SPRING already..followed by SUMMER and a lot a lot of sun! There should be 3 months or each season. there has been over 4 months of winter already. Who knows when this snow will melt completely and the grass will come out. and then..when will summer arrive and of course there is this wish to see more sun in the summer than clouds -- that before the sun gets to come out and the air gets to warmen up..its fall already and rain and clouds again. BLAH..


It's not that people are hypocrates..it's that people get TIRED of it. Did you know that there was a research done that Estonians need only 15min of sun EVERY DAY..and they'd be happy and joyful and wouldn't be #1 on every BAD list there can be..i mean this makes sence. i am a living proof. The past few days have been amazing and i have a feeling SUN had a lot to do with it...and now today that there is no sun..look at me. im a mess.
i know im a big girl and i need to control myself better but hey if there's sun for 3 days after 3 months of no sun..i have to say i'll get used to it from the first day and it's hard to adjust to clouds and dampness again. i hope you understand. if not you gotta move to Esto to understand..if you live in estonia..it has to be all the vacation you can afford..if you can't afford a vacation ..leave me a comment and tell me what you do to keep yourself HAPPY in daily basis. Yes i pray and read bible aswell and i have a solid rel. with God but i need my D-Vitamine. God created me that way!!!!

Putting my Faith into practice!

I'll describe you one of the situation i'm in right now..

Many of you who are in touch with me more often know that i couldn't officially graduate my Bachelor's degree last year. I won't start telling you about the problems that came up WHY i couldn't protect my thesis..but that's not the point.
So i started informally with my Master's degree.

So now, this spring i'm planning to graduate ( i am GOING TO graduate).. but the thing is that i don't have an instructor.. you know.. who would guide me thro my writing blablabla..anyway you need one..and i don't have one. Firstly cos i have to get one from inside my faculty which is SMALL (for goodness sake) and there only 2 people who are competent to instruct me (cos my theme of research is SO specific that so FEW are adequate in that subject (human trafficking and prostitution) )..anyway..and neither or the 2 people are emn..how to put it now..i can't ask neither of them to instruct me..cos one of them was my instructor last year and well..yeah that didn't go well ( i mean im not say it was entirely her fault i couln't graduate..but anyway)..and the 2nd option..well..if you knew the whole story you'd understand..the 2nd one is not really an option. ..

SO..the picture is starting to get a bit clearer, yes?!.. i need an instructor and there isn't anyone.. at least not that i know of right now or that im bold enought to ask from (like i could ask from the Ministry of Social Affairs the woman who is the specialist in Gender Equality..but emn..well..i don't wanna die just yet (yes that was heavily exagerated)..i have some level of discretion in me to KNOW that i just can't ask her knowing she holds the responsibility before the State in the field of HT and prostitution (and everything to do with it-- researches, developments, legislation etc etc etc) in Estonia)

Anyway..(sorry, im SO tired to write right now..).. but there is a BUT..
my BUT is that God told me something different. He told me that He will give me all the knowledge that i need (Jk 1:5), He promised me He'll help me (Ps 55:17) and i will not be in shame but i will get it done!! (Ps 25, 119:31)
+ He promised me personally we'll get it done..

SO..you see the reality..and what the situation is..and you see the other aspect of His promises to me.. i have a CHOICE to believe in the reality and focus on that..or focus on God's promises to me and just obey Him in everything He tells me to do on the go..

You wanna bet i'll get it (my thesis) done with or without the instructor? just remember, i have God on my side!
It's time to put the faith into practice (meaning that i won't believe all the signs that reality is giving me of how impossible the situation is..OR ill believe the word that God has given me even tho the reality says everything opposite). Yes, i choose to believe God.. and stay tuned to hear how it goes. i Bed it will be some crazy cool way how God will bring me an instructor or i'll do it by myself..i don't care HOW i just know it will happen and ill get an A for my thesis!

Well here's a testimony ;)

ps. prayers are ALWAYS welcome..and actually im asking you to please keep me in your prayers ..to assure that ill stay confident in the Lord and in my faith and also that everything would go according to His plan, and that I'd hear and do everything He asks me to (concerning the thesis i mean)..and of course..the INSTRUCTOR..and whatever else God puts in you heart


This is awesome..yet another miracle is on it's way :)) Oh God is SO good!

Good night and stay in Faith, Hope and Love!
MsHan

A bad joke

So im sure we all have made a bad joke..or just a joke that's NOT funny..
.. i know it's so embarrassing ..
But so recently i hung out with my friends and one of them asked me to tell him an anecdote. Well surprisingly i knew one. It's not an anecdote but just like a "joke" i was told recently. So here it goes:

What's the difference between a scout and a jew?
..
A scout comes back from a camp, a jew doen't.

i know, it's NOT funny. i mean it kinda is in some weird way but i as a christian don't find it so funny. and actually i even peeved (pahandasin) with the person that told me the joke and said it's not funny actually..some weird black-humor. ..and then i go telling the joke myself cos i mean...if the challange is in the air already (that have to tell a joke) how can i not know one.. anyway and then after telling the joke i go like..ha-ha-ha it's quite funny actually (i was VERY tired that day..a 3rd day without sleep)..not thinking it's funny at all..and nobody laughed really. F-A-I-L.

So yeah if you've made a bad joke just know im right there with you :D and all you can really do is hope you'll get another chance to make a joke (to the same ppl) and hope you'll make a GOOD ONE then :D


If you know any good jokes let me know (comment) and hopefully next time ill make everybody laugh with a very original joke :D

Yet another one :))

I know, i know..i've started blogging!!! hehe
It's just that..so much is happening in my life and inside me that i wanna share it just cos it might help or encourage someone who is reading this (IF there is anyone :D ) and if not..it's goot to get it out myself cos then it can be seen in a new perspective and in another light, which is always a good thing

So yesterday evening and today (so far) have been emotional. Ok don't get a wrong image of me - i'm not VERY emotional usually..i mean..im not up and down, up and down, ...even tho it might seem so (cos in every new post i'm in different mood :D)..but actually in my heart im stable cos i trust God and my faith and hope is in Him..but He is doing something in me (not exctly sure what exactly it is but i know it has smth to do with how i see myself and how God sees me) and it's just natural (i like to think so) that when there's a deep-cleaning going on or a surgery, you react to different things different ways. Like when there's a lot of dust, it's just natural to sneeze or if there's a surgery going on it HURTS but it doen't mean one is on the edge of giving up even thinking that..so the same w/ me..even tho i might be in different moods different days etc, im stable :D (that sounded so funny) and it is VERy important to be able to control yourself no matter in what mood your are in. but im sure you know it already
also my mood-swings might be the result of my reading. You see im writing my thesis on human traficking and prostitution and even tho i HAVE to take a break after every ab 15/20 min still it's hard to read ab violence and rape and torture and humiliation all thro the day but at the same time i gotta say it's amazing how God has given me strenght to study it and do the reasearch

anyway, to the point now..

this morning i put on practice what my pastor preached ab on sunday and some stuff he taught us..
so as i opened my bible and read it.. i also noticed one other scripture:

Malachi 2:17
You have wearied the LORD with your words.
"Wearied him?" you ask. "How have we wearied him?"
You have wearied him by suggesting that the LORD favors evildoers since he does not punish them. You have wearied him by asking, "Where is the God of justice?"

I think this scripture is amazing. it's like BAAAAM...For all the ppl who sin and think oh whatever God will forgive me the scripture says that you weary Lord!! and for those who think God lets evil things happen and is not justice, the scripture says the same thing! YOU WEARY LORD WITH THIS TALK. and thinking. Are you serious??!?!?!? BAH

And then i started thinking - If i think God does not want the BEST for me, i also weary God cos after what He did for me (Since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else? - [Rm8:32]) and i STILL think He does not want the BESTEST of the best for me..man that's just STUPID of me..
at the same time i know God is patient and He approaches everyone individually..so make sure you work on yourself and let GOD work on you..and all the rest will fall into place :) Yeb, God is THAT good and great! You just have to give Him the space to move!

Hope this encouraged you or helped you ..